(This post just kept oozing out of me… like raspberry jelly from one of those delicious Krispy Kreme donuts… sigh. So it will come in three installments because blog rules say blogs posts longer than 750 are TOO LONG. And I agree. I hope you will enjoy all three posts, and by the time you get to the end, that you will feel it was time well spent.)
“How is it that I can set relationship boundaries if I am called to love and engage with people? How is that even possible for a Christian to do that?” They were fair questions… asked by a young woman I have the pleasure of mentoring. They were the questions I have asked myself… more than once.
One of my favorite authors is clinical psychologist, Dr. Henry Cloud. His wisdom and knowledge about interpersonal relationships has helped to keep me well-centered and sane during some very challenging relationships. Of all the books he has authored, two are my favorites: How People Grow and Boundaries. And of those two, my favorite is Boundaries. Before considering Dr. Cloud’s point of view, I never really believed that setting boundaries was the nice thing to do. As a girl growing up, I was taught to do the nice thing…
So that people would like me.
At least that is the leap I made in my own young mind. In my insecurities, I wanted to be liked, accepted… so that I could feel good about myself. Apparently, it was all about me. I had no idea what a short-sighted life I was building for myself, and one that would bring me pain again and again.
Infants cannot really separate themselves from the world around them. They do not understand where they stop and the rest of the world starts. But during early toddlerhood, humans learn to separate what is the self and what is everything else. We spend the rest of our lives deciding what we allow in and what we do not. Ideally, we let the good in and keep the bad out. (Unfortunately, those who suffer from abuses early on tend to do quite the opposite.)
As the aforementioned people-pleaser, I didn’t guard my boundaries well. I allowed people to enter and exit my life, bringing whatever blessing or pain they chose. To hold fast to my boundaries (did I even have boundaries?) would risk my good standing and nice reputation, two things I valued way too much.
If the person who entered my realm chose to leave a blessing, then all the better for me. If they chose to leave harm and pain, then I was angry and disappointed… at and in them. That was unfair. The anger and disappointment were aimed at the wrong person. I should have turned those things on myself. In my ignorance, I did not understand this.
As a Sociologist, I understand that we live in society, engaging other people in the business of life. As a Christian, I can read the scriptures and see that everything was swell with humanity when there was only the one human. When the second human entered the picture, that is when all the trouble started… and we have been trying to figure it all out ever since. Relationships are hard. If you have even just one relationship, you know this is true. Just ask Adam.
I would like to tell you that I stopped being a people-pleaser early on and that I have spent much of my adult life having left that unhealthy habit behind. What can I say? Some of us are slow learners. Yet, as I delved deeper into what it meant to find my identity in Christ, I began to shirk the people-pleasing behaviors that had dominated my life for so long. I started to see my people-pleasing behavior as the self-serving tool that it was. Its grip had grown deep roots within my personality, and it took a great deal of work to pry it out. But the more I realized my completeness in Christ, the more I began to place trust in the words that He spoke about me. I found a self-confidence that was not self-generated. I no longer took on the words others spoke about me (good or bad) and relied on the ones spoken by my Designer. Soon, I found that if I lived my life to please the One who made me, then others found a deeper value within me.
(We are just getting started… Stay tuned for Relationship Boundaries… Part Two)