In late winter/early spring I lead a small group for women whose children are getting married called Mother-in-Law Bootcamp! A friend recently asked me for a crash course as her son gets married later this year. This post is that.
Weddings are certainly cause for celebration, but there are relationships to navigate, and roles that change. If we aren’t properly prepared, we can find ourselves dealing with a lot of disappointment.
I am twice a MIL myself now. Very soon, I will become a MIL again. I have been blessed with two very stellar DILs, and I expect DIL number three to be just as amazing.
My DILs are kind, thoughtful, strong, intelligent, and beautiful. They are committed to their faith and to my boys. I am not too sure what else I could ask for, but often MILs do ask for more.
Moms of married children are in a unique position, especially with their boys. The adage goes:
Adages are called such because, well, they bear truth. Because of this adage, I am going to mostly be talking to Mothers of Sons (MOS).
There’s little else mothers invest in more than their children. Day in, day out, long nights, and early mornings. Snotty noses and dirty diapers. Fevers, tummy aches, rashes, and skinned knees. Homework, last minute school projects, driving, and dating. Before we know it, our little nuggets of joy have grown into adult-ish people.
We often wonder about the day when they will bring home the one to meet us. MOS dream of that daughter we never had, or maybe one to add to the other(s) we cherish so much. We don’t often think this through, though, and can find ourselves disappointed and feeling abandoned by our sons when things do not meet our expectations.
This new dance reminds us that it takes two to tango… not three. Until our boys get married, MOS are the chosen dance partner, but when our sons exchange vows and enter covenant marriage, it is time for us to yield the dance floor to the new woman in his life: the new, most important, woman in his life.
Ouch. Take a minute if you need to- it’s okay.
Much of the time, very little thought is given to the Mother-of-the-Groom (MOG) on the wedding day. Most do not consider all that she is giving up on that day. Of course, it is a day of celebration and hope for the future, but when everyone else is thinking along those lines, the MOG often remembers the little boy that is now a man, a man that now belongs to someone else. It can be a real sucker punch if she has not properly prepared.
Smart MOGs quietly step back and make room for the bride to step forward. We do it on their wedding day, and every day after that. If we don’t… it won’t be pretty, and we will miss the blessing our new DILs can be to our sons and to us.
It is that whole “leave and cleave” thing. Genesis 2:24 says:
It is a difficult task to put a 12-week study into one blog post, but here are some practical things, in bullet point form, that can help get you started on the right foot!
- Pray for your DIL.
- PRAY. FOR. HER.
- Let go of your expectations. For real. Things will not be as you expect.
- If the new couple sets boundaries, honor them.
- Only give advice when you are asked for it, and even then, keep it short.
- Only go to their home when invited, and don’t show up early! Find something to compliment about her home. Allow them to come by your home anytime. (We give each DIL their own key to our house.)
- Evenings should belong to them. Don’t call your son during supper time or couple time *wink*.
- Their marriage will look different from yours. That’s okay.
- Be open to setting new family traditions as they try to navigate holiday times with both families. Old childhood traditions must give way to new adult ones. Those are wonderful, too!
- Be dependable, kind, loving, and supportive. She is learning, just as you did when you were young.
- Invest in her and forgive quickly when she makes a mistake. Ask for forgiveness when you make one.
What happens if the woman your son marries is not the one you would have chosen? My advice is the same. We begin with prayer, always, and believe the best. In any situation, good or bad, we need that holy insight that only comes from the One who made your DIL. He will show you how to love her (and them) best! Things will settle down once everyone feels comfy in their new roles. Be patient and be wise. Before you know it, your daughter-in-law will become your daughter-in-LOVE!
(I will be leading another MIL Bootcamp beginning in February of 2022. If you have a child, especially a son, getting married in 2022 consider joining us! It is a Zoom group, so you can jump in from anywhere! If this interests you, let me know in the comments.)